On April 5, 2010 we got the results back from the amniocentesis that was performed. Our beautiful baby girl was daignosed with Trisomy 18. We'd been so hopeful that the doctors were wrong, that she wouldn't really have it, that it would be quite a scare but everything would turn out okay and she would be healthy.
That first weekend in April was General Conference. In watching conference, I knew those talks were mostly for us. I knew we were supposed to be listening carefully at the words spoken, that we would rely heavily upon them in the near future. I was so angry. I wanted to throw something at the TV. It seemed like they kept talking of death. I didn't want to hear any of it. I wanted to feel the Spirit, yet I was so angry I just kept shutting it out thinking of all the other people in need of those same talks. They couldn't have been just for us.
Chad and I have always had a feeling we'd have a difficult time having children. More so, we thought we'd have a difficult time getting pregnant. We never thought about this option we'd just been dealt. We had never played this scenario out in our minds. Now what?
How do you keep a positive attitude while enduring something like this? How do you prevent yourself from thinking every day could be dooms day? How do you keep your head above water? How do you look people in the eyes and tell them you're excited to have your first baby girl when they ask if you're excited? How do you learn to cherish every beautiful kick or movement your baby makes when it breaks your heart at the same time? How is it you can love somebody so much when you've never met them before and you know you're just going to lose sooner than you'd like? How is it you can wish for something to just be done and over with and at the same time never want it to end so you can hold onto the beautiful baby growing inside of you forever?
To my beautiful baby girl, Nevaeh:
Though we've not met yet, your beautiful spirit and personality are felt. Though we haven't been able to look into each other's eyes, you know how much we love you. You are a special gift from Heavenly Father; you are his beautiful daughter. Though we are grieving your loss now, you bring us so much joy and happiness. You should see your daddy's face light up when you kick him and play with him. He loves you so much. You are loved by so many people who haven't even met you yet. You are our angel, our sweet, precious beautiful baby. We love you now and always.